Rejection Letter Response

We Regret to Inform You
An author considers the rejection notice as fodder for humor
By Brenda Janowitz
http://www.publishersweekly.com/pw/by-topic/columns-and-blogs/soapbox/article/69044-we-regret-to-inform-you.html

The first three paragraphs sound like standard information from publishers or agents. But keep reading the whole article…

Things NOT to do if you are rejected (and believe me, these actually happen–well, except maybe the last few she lists, and it is entirely possible they have happened):

“please do not call our offices demanding an answer “right now.” The answer was the painful dead silence over the past 90 days.”

“please do not email us and demand to know why your submission was not accepted. It is because your submission was bad. Just plain old bad. Bad, bad, bad.”

“please do not have your mother email us and tell us why we have made a huge mistake. There has been no mistake. We hated your submission.”

“please do not find the editor on Facebook and submit a friend request. Even if the editor does friend you, it does not mean that you are, in fact, really friends. (Don’t you know how Facebook works?)”

“please do not find the editor on Twitter and retweet everything the editor has ever written. Please do not find the editor on Instagram and “like” everything the editor has ever posted. Please do not find the editor on Pinterest and repin all of his or her pins.”

“please do not come to our offices and wait in the lobby until the editor takes a break for lunch.”

“please do not call the editor at home.”

“please do not show up at the editor’s home and offer to cook dinner. “

“please do not rent the apartment next to the editor and try to be “neighborly.” The editors are New Yorkers and, accordingly, do not speak to their neighbors.”

“please do not get a job at the editor’s grandfather’s nursing home and just happen to bump into him on bingo night.”

“please do not seek out the editor’s sister, date her, propose, and get married.”

“please do not threaten to kidnap the editor’s parents.”

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