Lonely Hearts Query Letters

Editors and publishers get lots of communications from writers. Submissions, requests for submission guidelines, questions about the publisher, or more general requests for advice about writing. That’s all part of the job, we’re happy to answer. However, there are some things that do not belong in these query letters. Apparently, some aspiring authors confuse “publisher” with “dating service”. These are from real letters and emails, I could not make this stuff up:

“Also, I was wondering if you would know of any pen-pals who are interested in writing. I’m a young man who needs a friend.”

Let me send you the addresses of some people I really dislike — inundate them with letters right away.

“Please send me a photo of you. I’m sure we’ll be great friends.”

No we won’t — I’m deleting this email right now.

“Allow me this opportunity to impress your mind and bring birth to a new profound and realistic friendship. My intentions are to be a confider friend and a listening ear, no more, no less, feel me?”

I’m not touching you with a ten-foot pole, buddy.

“I love to meet new people of any race, even though email & texting has made U.S. postage decline. Hopefully you may continue our correspondence.”

Nope. Even if it puts the Post Office out of business.

“And I’d love to correspond with other authors. We could share our sex experiences and inspire each other. Please send me the email addresses of your authors, I don’t want my messages lost in their fan mail.”

Oh sure, let me just ask some of my favorite authors about this.


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